Best Funny Quotes ⬇
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
— Robin Williams
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
— Steve Martin
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
— Groucho Marx
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
— Ellen DeGeneres
"I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards."
— Henny Youngman
"My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine."
— Caroline Rhea
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
— Lt. Frank Drebin
Best Funny Thoughts ⬇
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
— Jack Handey
"It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV."
— Tina Fey
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
— Anonymous
"Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet."
— Tina Fey
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
— Unknown
"Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion."
— Tina Fey
Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.
Best Funny Thoughts in English ⬇
"I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice."
— Pakalu Papito
"If you are hotter than me it means I’m cooler than you."
— Pakalu Papito
"I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
"If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore."
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop."
— Gertrude Stein
“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.
— Aparna Nancherla
"In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city."
— Aparna Nancherla
Best Funny Captions ⬇
"Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy."
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are."
— Matt Bellassai
"I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode."
"If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge."
"My life feels like a test I didn’t study for."
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
— Rita Rudner
"I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
— Unknown
Comedy Quotes in English ⬇
"I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking."
"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
Shulz
"When nothing is going right, go left."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
— Fred Allen
"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
— George Bernard Shaw
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
— Albert Einstein
"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
— Will Rogers
"It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste."
Jokes Quotes ⬇
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it."
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
— Phyllis Diller
"If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out."
— Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there."
— Steven Wright
"Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright."
— Laurell K. Hamilton
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
— Alan Dundes
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
— Winston S. Churchill
Comedy Quotes ⬇
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
— Cathy Guisewite
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
— Mark Twain
"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
— Anonymous
"If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age."
— George Burns
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
— Henny Youngman
"A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist."
— Franklin Jones
"Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV."
— Thomas Sowell
Humour Quotes ⬇
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
— Abraham Lincoln
"Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are."
— Will Ferrell
"Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad."
— Woody Allen
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
— Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
— Anonymous
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
— Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”
— Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
— Les Dawson
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
— Steven Wright
Hilarious Quotes ⬇
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
— Jimmy Kimmel
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
— Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”
— Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club
“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.'”
— Sheila Lee
“Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.”
— Sandra Bullock
"The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream."
— Bill Murray
“Instant gratification takes too long.”
— Carrie Fisher
Comedy Thoughts in English ⬇
“I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.”
— Matt Wohlfarth
“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.'”
— Larry Timmons
“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.”
“My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times.”
— Olivia Wilde.
“User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'”
— Dave Barry
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”
— Charlie Brown
“My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.'”
— Emilia Clarke
"As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Funny Crazy Quotes ⬇
“‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.”
— Anna Kendrick
“Laugh it off. There’s always another night.”
— Steve Carell
“A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.'”
— Roy Hartley
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”
— Stephen Colbert
